Have you ever encountered and individual that you thought was phony? I have and it wasn’t so much that they were phony but you could tell through their mannerisms and facial expression that they are not being honest with them self. To tell the truth, I am not always honest with myself but more so than not I try to present my true feelings to most individuals that I care for. So it made me think that maybe we are all phony when we are at are most uncomfortable.Click Here!
Situational Stigma
Is it wrong to communicate under false pretense to influence a situation? A good example that I believe everyone can relate to is job interview. Were all yes men and women when we want to get hired for a job. We all know that there are certain things at work that we won’t do but during the interview process we tell the interviewer that we would also throw in our spare body parts if we pass away just to receive a check. Another example is meeting your significant others parents for the first time. You are very accommodating and say please and thank you more than you normally do. You almost perform like you were being graded at an etiquette class. So being phony in certain situation is beneficial and we all have done it to acquire what we desire.
I know being phony for extended periods can become a problem in emotional and intimate relationships. When you are not honest about the way you feel you not only do a disservice to your spouse but your needs also go invalidated. Because relationships are supposed to become stronger over time you must share and reveal more about yourself overtime. When you “put on a performance” for your significant other they cannot make accurate assessments about your feelings and definitely can lead to dysfunction in relationships.
Communication
Some people are more skilled at appearing natural in all their unnaturalness. You communicate through much more than words. Body language, facial expression, tone of voice, body positioning, and eye contact are also indicators to the feelings behind the words. What most individuals do is sell them self to appear in the best light to others. What happens when you do this consistently? People do not connect with you because much of what deepens relationships is exposing your vulnerabilities. I am not saying expose all of your embarrassing stories to every individual that you meet, but people desire to feel connected with you. Humans are social creatures and your mental health can actually improve when you share your experiences with someone who is positive and acknowledges these experiences. No you don’t have to agree with everyone and actually disagreement is a precursor to deepening meaningful relationships. You have gotten past the polite phony phase when you have conflicts with someone.
Conflict Resolution
Is all conflict to be avoided? No, but we do have to chose our battles wisely. Conflict can be very enlightening and beneficial to both parties. You know when you say something that may not be offensive to you but sparks a reaction in another individual. You looked and act surprised because you didn’t have any idea that the other person would be offended. The resolution would be when a person does admit to being possibly offended by your statement there is an explanation that must follow. If you are a person of considerate nature you now know something about someone and will make sure that this topic is discussed with careful consideration. Because a person has told you something personal you feel you know them better and they feel they can now talk to you more frequently because their comfort has increased with you. Conflict can be negative if person chooses not to respect the individual’s perspective and there is no resolution. It then becomes an attack and the relationship is now more damaged and will need another attempt at improved resolution.
Phony vs. Conflict Resolution
We all act in ways that may not completely represent who we are. As we get to know each other we open up and understand why people behave in the ways that they do. People desire to connect with one another and that feeling you get when you feel someone is phony comes for your natural instinct to be socially accepted and close with another individual. People are considered to be phony to you because you have not yet deepened you relationship with them through conflict resolution. So the next time you look at a person and say “man, they are so phony,” Think to yourself I don’t know enough about this person to understand why they will not reveal enough about themselves so they feel comfortable with me and I feel comfortable with them. Now go ahead and get to networking.
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